i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
