i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
