i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
