So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
