I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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