I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
