watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
