I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
