Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
