i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
