Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
