to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
the raccoons are back...
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