The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
