Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
