I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
