You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i will never coherently bang her
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize