Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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