ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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