I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
