the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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