Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
