She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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