You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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