dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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