wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
