i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
