Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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