I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
