Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm like, not good at living.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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