Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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