omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
