I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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