WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just high enough for therapy.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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