Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
