This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
