apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
