And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
