Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
