I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
