The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
