Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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