the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
