I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
