Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
