I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
