They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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