They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
