I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize