So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
