Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
