there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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