I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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