just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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