Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we're making bets on your personal life
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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