O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
