So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
