My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
