Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
