Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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