i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
