textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
How's work?
Spinning.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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